AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
*Takes a deep breath, counts to ten, then lets it out again*
Okay. Now that I have that out of the way, maybe I can express myself a little more like a human being and a grown adult. Then again, maybe not. I started this blog to give myself an outlet to express ideas, encouragement, vent frustrations and rage, and really just give myself and others support. I really needed that support yesterday, and it's carrying over into today.
I woke up yesterday and was super excited. I'm not really sure why. After an hour or so, I got up and went to the pantry to get my oatmeal and discovered that I was out. For a moment I started to panic. What was I going to do? Then I realized I had cereal and milk. Okay good deal. Reaching for the cereal, my eyes landed on the package of Thomas's hearty muffins. slowly, an idea formed and I got excited again. I carried the pack into the kitchen and proceeded to make myself 2 scrambled egg beaters with chopped bell peppers and red onions. After I divided them in two, I piled them onto each half of the opened muffin and covered each half with a slice of Kraft Free American Singles. It turned out really really good. Only as I was settling down to eat did I realize I should have toasted the muffin first.
Still, a pretty decent start to the day. However, after that it was sort of all down hill. I couldn't explain it, but I was just ... not really in the mood to do anything. I had a list of things that needed to get done, and it really couldn't wait any longer, seeing as I'd already put it off as long as I possibly could. I let that get me down. Then as I was out and about, I realized that it had been several hours since my muffin and it was wearing off. I had packed some snacks and food, as I was going to be away from home the rest of the day, but in the end I caved. In waiting too long to eat, snacks that normally would have held me over for a few hours barely lasted one. I tried to put off having my "dinner" because I didn't want to eat it too early, so I thought, "Hey, I'll just have the apple I brought."
No. One bite told me that it was bad. I tried to cut away the bruise but it went through the whole thing. In the end I had to just throw it away. So then I tried to make a mini bag of Smart Pop popcorn. I pressed the popcorn button and walked away. Barely three minutes later I was in the kitchen with the vent on holding the smoking bag under it. It didn't get rid of the smell of burned popcorn; it just meant I didn't have smoke inside the kitchen. When I finally took a look inside the bag, what remained was a mostly burned blob of black and white. The popcorn had sort of fused together.
It wasn't exactly a big deal, but by now my stomach was protesting quite heavily and I needed to put something light but filling into it. I had another bag and this time I put it in for a minute and a half and stood there watching. Just under 2 minutes turned out to be the magic time for that microwave. Unfortunately I was in a down mood, I was starving, and when a terrible-for-you sandwich was offered to me... I ate it. It tasted great. But it left me feeling greasy inside and out. My stomach was no longer protesting, but it didn't feel satisfied as it has the last few weeks after the dinners I have been feeding myself. I cheated and I knew it.
Weight Watchers tells us not to stress when we eat foods like this. That's why they give you the Weekly PointsPlus Allowance, an additional 49 points to let you eat whatever you want. They encourage you to use them so you don't feel deprived. My issue is... I wouldn't have felt deprived if I hadn't eaten it. I ate the sandwich out of desperation and gloominess. Emotional eating. In the end I felt gross. There's no other way to describe it; I finished that sandwich and felt gross for having eaten it.
Later I was hungry again, and despite knowing I was out of points, I heated up what I'd taken for dinner, convincing myself that since I'd only used 1 of my 49 WPPA, I was okay. Again, I'd watited so long to eat that while my food was cooking, I munched on two mini snickers bars. And man were they good. They did nothing to sate my hunger; all they did was take the edge off for the two minutes my food was cooking. But man... They tasted like the best thing out there. And I ate all my food. When that was done... a couple hours later on my way home... I ate a snack because I wanted to taste it, not because I was hungry. And finally about 3 hours before bed (it was an incredibly long, nearly 22 hour day for me) I had another snack. This time, at least, it was because I was hungry as much as because I wanted to taste it.
I went to bed feeling satisfied by the snack and ignoring the elephant that my sandwich had become. The real question is was it that bad for me? Only the scale on Monday will tell for sure, but the bottom line is this: I'm only human. I want this to work and I'm going to do everything I possibly can to get this weight off. Sometimes, I'm going to make the choice to eat something I know isn't the best choice I can make. The hardest--and best--thing I can do is simply enjoy what I'm eating, get as much pleasure from it as possible, and then MOVE ON as though it were fine.
I can't let one bad choice (be it one food item or one entire day) ruin my entire diet. I feel it happening again today and I'm fighting the choice not to run down to the vending machines in the break room. There's a stash of healthy, yummy snacks here and I'm making the choice to stick to them. When all is said and done, I'm not letting this mood, the fight I had with one of my best friends (which is a large contributor to my desire for Rocky Road or Marzipan Chocolate Hazelnut ice cream right now) or anything else derail me. Small as it is, I have made progress, and I will continue to do it.
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